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oo3. i'm gonna drink myself to death
back; harder and harder to breathe
[ locked to RED Pyro

[Goddammit, why does he keep waking up in unfamiliar beds? With the grace of a wingless bird, he slings his legs over the side of the bed and gets to his feet. His eyes scan the room and find very, very odd things: a candle lit dinner, a mini bar, a giant, red, lush bed...

Oh jesus. That's not who he thinks it is, is it? And in this place of all places? This looks like a, a...

His first instincts throw him at the door, but no matter how he pulls and tugs and smashes into it, it won't budge. And man, is he starting to sweat. What the fuck is he wearing, anyway?

Oh, god. A tux. What the fuck is wrong with this fucking town?]

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[She rolls over, confused about the sudden sensation on her skin. She pokes an eye open, but the room is too bright. She goes further under the covers so she doesn't blind herself, and takes a look at what she's wearing that's so new and uncomfortable.]


[Pyro thrusts the covers off herself and jumps out of the bed, determined to get any other clothes on.] Since when did the town give me lingerie, anyway? Especially stuff this nasty, ew. How could guys possibly like this shit? It's so thin, and has holes in it. What the fuck?

[She should've gotten to her clothes pile by now, what the fuck happened?] This better not be Spy's fault. [She chances a look around the room.] FUCK! What is this place, whose sick joke was-- [She notices Pyro for the first time.] YOU.

[He feels her gaze cut holes into him. Despite himself, he feels blood rush to his face.]

Jesus fucking Christ, Red! What the fuck are you wearing?! [He covers his eyes with his hands.] Or, maybe I should fucking say, "what the fuck aren't you wearing"?!

Fuck you, you probably set this shit up! Oh goddammit, my wraps are gone, my clothes are gone, and I'm wearing this shit. Fuck, my tits are hanging off me like goddamn melons! FUCK THIS DISGUSTING TOWN AND YOU, YA PERVERTED BASTARD! [She walks quickly and heavily towards the other Pyro, swinging a foot to club him in the face.]

[He narrowly dodges, feeling the air around his face move, and jumps a foot away from her.] Jesus, I didn't do anything! I didn't plan any fucking thing, I had no fucking part of this, just--

[Pulls off his jacket and holds it out as a peace offering of sorts. Also maybe as a shield.] L-Look, put this on, alright? Jesus fucking Christ, this is fucking ridiculous, what the fucking fuck--

[She snatches it, and drapes it around herself, putting her arms through the sleeves and doing it up as much as possible.] Fuck, my tits were never this big. Must be a goddamn newfangled bra, making my tits look bigger. Least this thing still goes down past my waist. Good fucking thing yer taller 'n me. 'f not, I'd hafta actually hit ya. Hard.

[Pyro goes to the bed, and drags one of the sheets off of it. She begins to rip part of it into a long strip, working off her rage and embarrassment. This could take a while.] I've decided t' believe ya, for now. Innocent until proven guilty, 'n' all that jazz. So what the fuck's this place, anyway? An' what were ya doin' at the door?

[Jesus fucking Christ where the fuck is the washroom, he's gonna need a cold shower, is there even one attached to this place, fuck.

He exhales, shakily and moves to sit at the table.]
No fucking clue, but by the looks of it, s'probably a hotel room or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, now that I think of it, that's probably what this is, it's a fucking honeymoon room or what the fuck ever.

[He runs a hand over his face.] Trying to see if it would fucking open. No such luck. Bet the windows're fucking like that too, but I haven't tried yet. Knowing this goddamn shithole, we're probably going to be stuck here for a while.

Oh Jesus Christ. This cannot be good. What is this town going to do? They better not expect us to fuck, or whatever this shit is. Jesus fucking Christ. [She keeps ripping; one third done.]

We'll be stuck here a while. Ain't that fuckin' fantastic. I do not want to be stuck in this place, wearing shit-all, with you. Fuck. [She kicks the bed, with no effect. It just keeps on vibrating.]

You think I know? Fucking bitch. [He moves to the mini bar.] Place is fucking packed with booze though, so drink your fucking heart out.

[Slides into the thing and grabs a tall glass and some vodka. He honestly doesn't know what he's doing, but he figures it oughta be strong. Maybe he'll put something fruity in it to even it out.] 'Sides, you think I wanna be fucking stuck in fucking this place with you? Ain't fucking you, even if you fucking begged.

[Scowling now, he pours his fruity drink. He also yanks off the clip on tie.]

[Three quarters done the strip.] Why would I drink? Thing I don't wanna do most right now is get drunk with a guy I barely know while I'm wearing this disgusting shit. I think I'll keep my sanity, thanks.

[She looks at him incredulously.] Says the guy who was checkin' me out earlier. Ya fucker.

You don't gotta get drunk with me. [Takes a sip of his drink. BLUH. But fuck it, alcohol is alcohol is alcohol. Chugs a bit more like a man.] Just don't wanna hafta remember this shit when it's done. God knows my memory is a goddamn asshole who likes to fuck me over in the future.

[Splutters, giving her an indignant look.] I wasn't "checkin' you out"! You were fucking wearing all this skimpy shit! Left nothing to the goddamn imagination, didn't need to fucking check you out to see nothing!

[Downs the rest of his drink with a scowl.]

[She finishes the bottle of vodka for him.] You're so fuckin' weak, Blue. You ever had achohol in your life? That still won't do much, but it should make right now less excruciatingly painful. Maybe more drink later.

[She completes her strip of sheet. turning around, she pulls in her hands and starts to undo the clasp on her bra. Which makes the coat go up past her hips. Oops.] Bullshit. You still looked. And liked. And probably looked again, ya fucker. 'Sides, you think it's my fault I'm wearin' this shit, wouldn't be caught dead!

Never really had a fucking need for alcohol, no. Don't think that makes me weak, Red, since alcohol's mostly for runnin' 'way from shit. [Sort of pouts at her before going off for another bottle of something. Well hey, how about some brandy. He keeps the bottle to himself.] I'mma just keep downing this shit 'til everything becomes hilarious.

[He tries not to watch her as she walks away from him, but his eyes betray him. How long has it been since he's even seen a woman? At least one that he wasn't working for, or was being fucked by the Spy... But when she starts shifting under his jacket, he finally smartens up enough to look away.] Fine, so I did. Whatever. Y'said it yourself, y'got a pretty big set of knockers. [Swig.] Least I gave you my fucking jacket, now you're free from my fucking lecherous eyes or what the fuck ever. Bitch.

...You're definitely gonna try and fuck me, yep. Jesus Christ. I'm just gonna not take any more until you're out, and then drink until tomorrow.

[She finishes tying the strip around her chest, and pulls her arms out. She sits on the bed, but quickly relocates to the chair opposite her counterpart; vibrating is not fun.] Really. Really. That's the excuse you're going with, "you said it yourself". Well, I could've just as easily taken the bedsheet. Asshole. Please remind me why I haven't punched you in the gut already; it's comin' soon.

I'm not gonna try t'fuck you! Jesus! I have more fuckin' courtesy than that! Jesus fucking Christ, Red, calm the fuck down! [He clears his throat, and the next time he speaks his voice is not longer raised.] So I'm not allowed to find you attractive or anything, Jesus, fine. I'll go to Scout and pick up his case of raging homosexual or whatever.

[Pyro downs more of the alcohol, staring at the counter of the mini bar.] Fucking try not to be hostile or whatever at you but guess fucking ceasefire ain't for everyone, huh. Guess we'll always just be stupid BLUs and REDs. What. The fuck. Ever.

[And there goes the rest of the bottle, along with some of Pyro's balance. He leans on the counter for support.]

[She stares at him.] Fuck, whatever. I don't even fuckin' care anymore. You do whatcha want, just don't touch me. [She doesn't even remember the last time she's been so embarrassed to show her body. Usually it's just a necessity thing that she doesn't. This is weird.]

Oh Jesus Christ. Just let me get the fuck out of here. [She pokes at the food on the table.] I'm not even sure this food is safe to eat. They prob'ly drugged it, goddammit. Oh fuck it, I might as well join ya in th' booze. [She goes to the mini-bar and pulls out a bottle of brandy and a bottle of tequila, before sitting back down in her chair.]

[He pushes the food out of the way so he can put his forehead on the table.] Who knows. Who cares. I don't. Fuck you.

It's kinda fucked up though, don'tcha think? Why'd this town put people together who ain't even fucking "married"? [He lifts his head to take another drink.] 'Mean, wouldn't've terribly minded being stuck here with th'Doc since she's nice 'n shit. Though dunno if I coulda handled her in lingerie.

[She doesn't even bother with any kind of retort. This is just getting stupid.]

Y'know, that's prob'ly why they didn't put you together. Town's fucked up like that. Prob'ly put people in pairs according to god knows what. It's prob'ly havin' fun watchin' us groan. Sadist. [She opens the bottle of tequila and begins to drain it.]

Yeah, what a fun pair we are. You and your amazingly bitchy bitch ways and my stumblin' and fuckin' up as usual, whoop de doo. Such fine entertainment, I don't see why they didn't think of this any fuckin' sooner.

[Sort of just wobbles to his feet and goes to hide out by the corner.]

Jesus Christ, ya fucker, yer gonna fall over. [She moves to help him, out of god knows what. Anyone else she'd be happy to see land on their face or ass, but she can't stand watching him.]

Get the fuck away from me.

[He shoots her a tired glare over his shoulder, just daring her to get any closer.]

Fuck, Jesus. Fine, whatever. Serves me right fer tryin' t' help.

[She sits back down on her chair, and finishes her bottle of tequila. Time to open up the brandy now.]

"Help"? You only helped yourself by walking away, god knows what I woulda done to you if you fuckin' touched me.

[He settles on the floor with his back to the wall, comfortable with the new space between them.]

Seriously, what's your deal? Are you just some evil bitch who's determined t'shoot down any sort of advance I make that isn't malicious? 'Cause I could turn th'mean switch right up, I just choose not to. 'Cause, y'know, it's just th'better thing t'do.

Bullshit, you can hardly even stand.

[Just drinkin' more booze. It might actually be starting to affect her now! It was before, actually, just not quite so much. But shh, no one will ever know.]

Isn't malicious. Riiiiiight. 'Cause rape ain't malicious, y'know, totally. Y'know, if you 'ad a sense of humor, and weren't tellin' me off all the fuckin' time, I might ackshally consider it. ' Mean seriously, what's yer problem? I'm my own fuckin' person, 'm not a kid. Asshole.

I can so stand. Just don' wanna.

[Smacks his forehead.] Fuck-- jesus fucking christ Red, d'you really think I want t'rape you? In what world does that make any fuckin' sense? Not planning on stickin' anythin' anywhere, jesus fuck. Not 'til, y'know, th'time's right and all that.

Any fuckin' way, I tell you off 'cause you're a sick fuck with a fucked up sense of humor. I figure if y'gotta get me involved by pissin' me off, might as well try t'tell you off. Y'know. Might be able t'get t'you somehow. 'Sides, not like I got anythin' better t'do, really.

Sure ya can. Suuuure.

Jesus. So y'admit yer goin' after me now, eh? That's a bit more like it. Though I can't say I trust ya right now. [Takes another swig at the booze.]

So ya tell me off 'cause yer bored, 'en. Which means y'enjoy hangin' round me. That'r ya want t' get through to me and convert me int' a nice little lady. Fuck that, I ain't bein' a lady. An'way, just go out and say it, stop bein' so... what's it called with the puzzles and the mind games... Cryptic! Stop bein' so cryptic, y'asshole.

Didn't mean til the time was right with you specifically. Just, y'know, at all. If I ever find myself a lady who-- y'know. Fits. 'Cause, uh-- y'know. That'd be nice, I guess.

'Nd I don't need y't'be a lady or nothin'. Just less insane, if that's possible. You're kinda-- y'know. I do, uh, kinda, sorta like t'be around you. Maybe. Just when you're not being a huge bitch. [Bluh bluh bluh.] 'Cause you're kinda funny when you're not fuckin' sick. And stuff. Ah, what am I doin'--

Alright, alright. I know what ya mean. [Sigh.]

Yer funny, Blue. I think I like bein' around you too, even if you do think I'm nuts. Yer fun t' bug, an' yer not acshally a bad guy, y'know? It's fun, bein' with ya. When yer not gettin' on me about anythin' an' everythin', course. But d'you think I c'n be "less insane" 'r whatever?

I dunno. Like, if y'were, y'kinda wouldn't be you, and that wouldn't be as fun. It's just frustratin' sometimes.

[He looks at his knees, slowly easing his bowtie off.] I mean, like-- I dunno. Not worth it t'go and find out or whatever. Just no more things like throwin' around sex jokes 'r anythin' pertainin' t'that. S'uncomfortable. And weird. So don't.

He already yanked off the clip-on tie. How many ties does he have?

Yeah. I know, I c'n be frustratin'. I think I try t' be, acshally. 'R at least bug people, get on their nerves. Eases me up.

Alright, alright. Ya little goody-two-shoes. I like seein' yer face when I do that, though. Mix of confusion and horror, 's perfect! So funny.

LOL oops. Good on you for remembering. But to answer your question, limitless

[He snorts.] Gee, how fuckin' nice of ya. You ever try not doin' that?

I ain't a goody-two-shoes! My parents just kinda, y'know, drilled that into my head when I was younger. They were all Christian like, it was crazy. God don't exist; if he did, don't think I woulda ended up here.

Cool. Infinite ties. And thanks.

Wouldn't wanna. 'S weird, don' wanna explain. Do want more booze, though. [She staggers over to the minibar, this time coming back with two bottles of whisky: rye and malt.]

...okay. So yer a good Christian who don't believe in God. How does that not make ya a goody-two-shoes? That's basically the definition of the word.

I ain't a good Christian. I ain't. Some things jus' stick 'n shit. Y'know, they're parents. They do that t'ya.

[While she's standing, he motions her over.] While we're here spilling our guts, y'might as well come back, promise I won't bite. You already know I ain't in no condition t'do anything like that. 'Sides, you're not gonna drink botha those by yourself, are ya?

I wouldn't know. [She says grumpily.]

[She goes back to the bar for a bottle of bourbon before sitting down beside her BLU counterpart.] 'Course I am. Which one d'ya want? [She motions to the three bottles.]

[Tilts his head at her questioningly.] Really? What happened to 'em?

[He grabs the closest one, which happens to be the malt whiskey.] Sure can hold yer alcohol, huh.

Each other.

Ya don't say. [She opens the rye and starts downing it.] You can't. Well, can't imagine ya've 'ad much, though. Meh.

Oh. Huh. [He plays with his bottle.] Musta sucked. Parents're nice, usually.

No, I really can't. [He laughs and takes a swig.] Like I fuckin' said, I don't fuckin' drink, us'lly. Drinkin' is for people who run. And I can't do it physically here, so this's th'next best thing.

Wouldn't know. [Chugs the rest of the bottle.]

[She chuckles.] Yeah, well. I don't drink to get drunk, usually, I'm just lookin' t' have a good time wit' m' friends, 'r whoever's posin' as 'em. C'n be fun, y'know?

I get that. Sorry.

Guess so. Still, was taught t'have fun without drinkin'. [Gulps down some more, shuddering at the burn.] Funny how that fun lead t'burnin' down things.

'S okay, relax. 'M not gonna hold it against ya 'r anythin'.

Sure, whatever. [Done with that bottle, now onto the next. Getting pretty woozy, she may pass out soon. Maybe.] Just drink. 'N yes, very. Tell m' more 'bout that. 'M sure 's verrry interestin'.

[He gives her a sideways glance as he taps his bottom lip against the mouth of the bottle. He's not sure if she's being sarcastic or not, but he's pretty drunk so he'll pretty much say anything at this point.]

Y'know, when ev'rythin' y'have's taken away from ya, so all y'got is burnin' those bastards t'th'ground t'get payback. And fire gets so fuckin' pretty and warm and crackles pretty fuckin' loud when y'think 'bout it.

[She's leaning on him now, and trying to feed him some of her drink. Whatever's left, that is.]

Yeah. I think a fire'd be pretty good right 'bout now. How 'bout you? But yeah, I get it.

Prob'ly. Y'think anythin' in this fuckin' shithole'd burn, though?

[His surprise from her contact allows her to get the alcohol down his throat.] Jesus, Red, I got my own.

Sorry... [She drinks the dregs and tosses the bottle. Pyro tries to sit up but ends up falling over the other way. She's on the floor now.]

Well, there's th'alcohol, I don' think that's'll be runn'n' out soon, think. Other, there's the bed'n'windows, 's it.


Mmn. [Pyro just makes a gurgling noise.]

Maybe we oughta call't'a night 'r'somethin'.

[Slumps against the wall, sliding a bit.]

Night, Red.

Night, Blue.

[She passes out.]

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