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oo3. i'm gonna drink myself to death
back; harder and harder to breathe
[ locked to RED Pyro

[Goddammit, why does he keep waking up in unfamiliar beds? With the grace of a wingless bird, he slings his legs over the side of the bed and gets to his feet. His eyes scan the room and find very, very odd things: a candle lit dinner, a mini bar, a giant, red, lush bed...

Oh jesus. That's not who he thinks it is, is it? And in this place of all places? This looks like a, a...

His first instincts throw him at the door, but no matter how he pulls and tugs and smashes into it, it won't budge. And man, is he starting to sweat. What the fuck is he wearing, anyway?

Oh, god. A tux. What the fuck is wrong with this fucking town?]

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Never really had a fucking need for alcohol, no. Don't think that makes me weak, Red, since alcohol's mostly for runnin' 'way from shit. [Sort of pouts at her before going off for another bottle of something. Well hey, how about some brandy. He keeps the bottle to himself.] I'mma just keep downing this shit 'til everything becomes hilarious.

[He tries not to watch her as she walks away from him, but his eyes betray him. How long has it been since he's even seen a woman? At least one that he wasn't working for, or was being fucked by the Spy... But when she starts shifting under his jacket, he finally smartens up enough to look away.] Fine, so I did. Whatever. Y'said it yourself, y'got a pretty big set of knockers. [Swig.] Least I gave you my fucking jacket, now you're free from my fucking lecherous eyes or what the fuck ever. Bitch.

...You're definitely gonna try and fuck me, yep. Jesus Christ. I'm just gonna not take any more until you're out, and then drink until tomorrow.

[She finishes tying the strip around her chest, and pulls her arms out. She sits on the bed, but quickly relocates to the chair opposite her counterpart; vibrating is not fun.] Really. Really. That's the excuse you're going with, "you said it yourself". Well, I could've just as easily taken the bedsheet. Asshole. Please remind me why I haven't punched you in the gut already; it's comin' soon.

I'm not gonna try t'fuck you! Jesus! I have more fuckin' courtesy than that! Jesus fucking Christ, Red, calm the fuck down! [He clears his throat, and the next time he speaks his voice is not longer raised.] So I'm not allowed to find you attractive or anything, Jesus, fine. I'll go to Scout and pick up his case of raging homosexual or whatever.

[Pyro downs more of the alcohol, staring at the counter of the mini bar.] Fucking try not to be hostile or whatever at you but guess fucking ceasefire ain't for everyone, huh. Guess we'll always just be stupid BLUs and REDs. What. The fuck. Ever.

[And there goes the rest of the bottle, along with some of Pyro's balance. He leans on the counter for support.]

[She stares at him.] Fuck, whatever. I don't even fuckin' care anymore. You do whatcha want, just don't touch me. [She doesn't even remember the last time she's been so embarrassed to show her body. Usually it's just a necessity thing that she doesn't. This is weird.]

Oh Jesus Christ. Just let me get the fuck out of here. [She pokes at the food on the table.] I'm not even sure this food is safe to eat. They prob'ly drugged it, goddammit. Oh fuck it, I might as well join ya in th' booze. [She goes to the mini-bar and pulls out a bottle of brandy and a bottle of tequila, before sitting back down in her chair.]

[He pushes the food out of the way so he can put his forehead on the table.] Who knows. Who cares. I don't. Fuck you.

It's kinda fucked up though, don'tcha think? Why'd this town put people together who ain't even fucking "married"? [He lifts his head to take another drink.] 'Mean, wouldn't've terribly minded being stuck here with th'Doc since she's nice 'n shit. Though dunno if I coulda handled her in lingerie.

[She doesn't even bother with any kind of retort. This is just getting stupid.]

Y'know, that's prob'ly why they didn't put you together. Town's fucked up like that. Prob'ly put people in pairs according to god knows what. It's prob'ly havin' fun watchin' us groan. Sadist. [She opens the bottle of tequila and begins to drain it.]

Yeah, what a fun pair we are. You and your amazingly bitchy bitch ways and my stumblin' and fuckin' up as usual, whoop de doo. Such fine entertainment, I don't see why they didn't think of this any fuckin' sooner.

[Sort of just wobbles to his feet and goes to hide out by the corner.]

Jesus Christ, ya fucker, yer gonna fall over. [She moves to help him, out of god knows what. Anyone else she'd be happy to see land on their face or ass, but she can't stand watching him.]

Get the fuck away from me.

[He shoots her a tired glare over his shoulder, just daring her to get any closer.]

Fuck, Jesus. Fine, whatever. Serves me right fer tryin' t' help.

[She sits back down on her chair, and finishes her bottle of tequila. Time to open up the brandy now.]

"Help"? You only helped yourself by walking away, god knows what I woulda done to you if you fuckin' touched me.

[He settles on the floor with his back to the wall, comfortable with the new space between them.]

Seriously, what's your deal? Are you just some evil bitch who's determined t'shoot down any sort of advance I make that isn't malicious? 'Cause I could turn th'mean switch right up, I just choose not to. 'Cause, y'know, it's just th'better thing t'do.

Bullshit, you can hardly even stand.

[Just drinkin' more booze. It might actually be starting to affect her now! It was before, actually, just not quite so much. But shh, no one will ever know.]

Isn't malicious. Riiiiiight. 'Cause rape ain't malicious, y'know, totally. Y'know, if you 'ad a sense of humor, and weren't tellin' me off all the fuckin' time, I might ackshally consider it. ' Mean seriously, what's yer problem? I'm my own fuckin' person, 'm not a kid. Asshole.

I can so stand. Just don' wanna.

[Smacks his forehead.] Fuck-- jesus fucking christ Red, d'you really think I want t'rape you? In what world does that make any fuckin' sense? Not planning on stickin' anythin' anywhere, jesus fuck. Not 'til, y'know, th'time's right and all that.

Any fuckin' way, I tell you off 'cause you're a sick fuck with a fucked up sense of humor. I figure if y'gotta get me involved by pissin' me off, might as well try t'tell you off. Y'know. Might be able t'get t'you somehow. 'Sides, not like I got anythin' better t'do, really.

Sure ya can. Suuuure.

Jesus. So y'admit yer goin' after me now, eh? That's a bit more like it. Though I can't say I trust ya right now. [Takes another swig at the booze.]

So ya tell me off 'cause yer bored, 'en. Which means y'enjoy hangin' round me. That'r ya want t' get through to me and convert me int' a nice little lady. Fuck that, I ain't bein' a lady. An'way, just go out and say it, stop bein' so... what's it called with the puzzles and the mind games... Cryptic! Stop bein' so cryptic, y'asshole.

Didn't mean til the time was right with you specifically. Just, y'know, at all. If I ever find myself a lady who-- y'know. Fits. 'Cause, uh-- y'know. That'd be nice, I guess.

'Nd I don't need y't'be a lady or nothin'. Just less insane, if that's possible. You're kinda-- y'know. I do, uh, kinda, sorta like t'be around you. Maybe. Just when you're not being a huge bitch. [Bluh bluh bluh.] 'Cause you're kinda funny when you're not fuckin' sick. And stuff. Ah, what am I doin'--

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